Whatsapp Facebook Funniest Jokes Images Messages Sms
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Whatsapp Facebook Funny Jokes in English
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- A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey, why not?” He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: “Paint…my…house.”
- There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
- Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says “I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.”
I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
- A man is driving his five year old to a friend’s house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident. “Douchebag!” the father yells. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. “Your father just said a bad word,” he says. “I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesn’t make it right, and I don’t ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?” His son looks at him and says: “Too late, douchebag.”
- I went down the local supermarket, I said, “I want to make a complaint, this vinegar’s got lumps in it”, he said, “Those are pickled onions”.
- I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
- ‘Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says “Oi – get out! We don’t want your type in here” ‘
‘So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says “Your eyes sparkle like diamonds”. I said, “Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck”. ‘
- My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.”
‘When Susan’s boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: “I love the simple things in life, but I don’t want one of them for my husband”.
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- ‘A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, “Shut up…you’re next!” ‘.
- ‘I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.’
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ‘Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!’ The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ‘The driver just insulted me!’ The man says: ‘You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.’
- I’m in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite……… one jar.
- I was in Tesco’s and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, “Are you two an item?”
- ‘A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “because,” he said “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.” ‘
Went to the paper shop – it had blown away.
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- A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
- Boy: The principal is so dumb!
Girl: Do you know who I am?
Girl: I am the principal’s daughter!
Boy: Do you know who I am?
Boy: Good! *walks away*
- A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. “This dog can speak English,” he claims to the unimpressed agent. “Okay, Sport,” the guys says to the dog, “what’s on the top of a house?” “Roof!” the dog replies. “Oh, come on…” the talent agent responds. “All dogs go ‘roof’.” “No, wait,” the guy says. He asks the dog “what does sandpaper feel like?” “Rough!” the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. “No, hang on,” the guy says. “This one will amaze you. ” He turns and asks the dog: “Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?” “Ruth!” goes the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the dog turns to the guy and says “Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?”
- “Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day”
- I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, ‘Go to Bournemouth, it’s great for flu’. So I went – and I got it.
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- So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants, it was Wedgie Kray.
- I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
- I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
- A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ‘I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.’
- Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. “I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast,” he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. “Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ French toast for me,” he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. “I don’t know,” he says meekly, “but I definitely don’t want the fuckin’ French toast.”
- On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, “What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob.” All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says “Don’t forget the coffee!”
- A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says “What the hell was that all about?” funniest text messages ever
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- A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, “Here’s a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks.” The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator’s mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.” After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It’s a woman. “I’ll give it a try,” she says, “but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.”
- ‘A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: “Pint please, and one for the road.” ‘
I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
- Another one was: Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’. He said: ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome’. ‘Is it common?’I asked. ‘It’s not unusual’ he replied.
- Two aerials meet on a roof – fall in love – get married. The ceremony was rubbish – but the reception was brilliant.
- Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.
- I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays”‘
- Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, “What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.” “I don’t need to outrun the bear,” the first guy says. “I just need to outrun you.”
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- A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in shit up to their necks. The guy says “no, let me see the next room.” In the second room, people are standing with shit up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with shit up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, “I pick this room.” Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, “O.K., coffee break’s over. Everyone back on your heads!”
- I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said “Stop! Don’t do it!” “Why shouldn’t I?” he said. “Well, there’s so much to live for!” “Like what?” “Well… are you religious?” He said yes. I said, “Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?” “Christian.” “Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant ? “Protestant.” “Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?” “Baptist” “Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?” “Baptist Church of God!” “Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?” “Reformed Baptist Church of God!” “Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?” He said, “Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!” I said, “Die, heretic scum”, and pushed him off.
- I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
- There’s two fish in a tank, and one says to the other “How do you drive this thing?”
- A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ‘Amal.’
- The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan’. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, “But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
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- ‘I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, “He’s trying to pull a fast one”.
- My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
- ‘I went to the doctors the other day and I said, ‘Have you got anything for wind?’ So he gave me a kite. ‘
- A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. “Cold floors,” he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, “Bad food.” They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. “I quit,” he says. “That’s not surprising,” the elders say. “You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”
- My grandfather always said, “Don’t watch your money; watch your health.” So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.
- Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. “Here’s that $20 I owe you,” he says.
- A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, “please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back.” And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: “He had a hat!”
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- I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.
- The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said “Did you get my drift?”.’
- A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says “Sorry we don’t serve food in here” ‘
- A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, “Is this some kind of joke?”
- Slept like a log last night…….. Woke up in the fireplace.
- ‘A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything” ‘
- I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.
- I rang up British Telecom, I said, “I want to report a nuisance caller”, he said “Not you again”.’
- Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: “Saul, sell your business.” He ignores it. It goes on for days. “Saul, sell your business for $3 million.” After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas.” He asks why. “Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas.” He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, “Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand.” He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. “Saul, take a card.” What? The dealer has — “Take a card!” He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. “Saul, take another card.” What? “TAKE ANOTHER CARD!” He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. “Saul, take another card,” the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. “TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!” booms the voice. Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: “un-fucking-believable!”
- I went to the psychiatrist, and he says “You’re crazy.” I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, “Okay, you’re ugly too!” (Rodney Dangerfield)
- They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona.
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- Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. “Are you gonna play golf?” he asks “Or are you just gonna fuck around?”
- A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells “You should have been here at 8:30!” he replies: “Why? What happened at 8:30?”
- I was in in the public restroom
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall:
“Hi, how are you?”
Me: (embarrassed) “Doin’ fine!”
Stall: “So what are you up to?”
Me: “Uhhh, I’m like you, just sitting here.”
Stall: “Can I come over?”
Me: (attitude) “No, I’m a little …Read More
- I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future.
- I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks “Are you reading that?” I didn’t know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.
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- Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he’s snagged an old bottle. As he’s taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. “Turn the lake into beer,” he says. The genie goes “Poof!” and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, “So what do you think?” The other guy says, “You jerk. Now we’ve got to piss in the boat.”
- A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, “Peace in the Middle east, that’s my wish.” The genie looks concerned, then says “No, I’m sorry, that’s just not possible. Some things just can’t be changed. Do you have another wish?” The guys says ‘Well…for my whole life I’ve never receievd oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish.” The genie pauses for another moment and then says “How would you define peace?”
- I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead.
- Funny Joke
Police: where do u live?
Me: with my parents
Police: where does ur parents live?
Me: with me
Police: where do u all live?
Police: where is ur house?
Me: next to my neighbors house
Police: where is your neighbors house?
Me: if i tell you u wont believe me.
Police: tell me
Me: next to my house
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- TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem.
- Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, “Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.” He goes: “Not in a row!”
- I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world.
- A guy tells his psychiatrist: ‘It was terrible. I was away on business, and I emailed my wife that I’d be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I don’t get it. How could she do this to me?” “Well,” says the psychiatrist. “Maybe she didn’t see the email.”
- A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. “Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she’s given you two $100 bills. Now, here’s where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?”
- i believe i can flyyy
got shot by the pizza guyyy
all i wanted was some onion ringggss
from McDonald’s or Burgerkinggg
I believe i can soarrrr
mom slapped me in the grocery storeee
Even though im 24 I still got an imaginary dinosoarrrrr
I believe i can falllll I tripped on a bouncey ballll
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- A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. “Father O’Malley,” he says, “my name is Emil Cohen. I’m seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I’m currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I’ve never felt better.” “My good man,” says the priest, “I think you’ve come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?” And the guy goes: “I’m telling everybody!”
- My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners!
- Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It’s Irv. “So there is an afterlife! What’s it like?” Sid asks. ‘Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex. Take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep, and wake up the next day.” “Oh, my god,” says Sid “So that’s what heaven is like?” “Oh no,” says Irv. “I’m not in heaven. I’m a bear in Yellowstone Park.”
- China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.
- My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other — so now it’s just a waiting game. (Bill Dwyer)
- A lady at a party goes up to Winston Churchill and tells him, “Sir, you are drunk.” Churchill replies, “Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober.”
- Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what’s your emergency?
Boy: The ugly one is winning.
- 3 drunk guys enterd a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, “We have reached your destination”. The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said “Thank you”. The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the
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- Funny Joke
Dad: Say daddy!
Dad: Come on, say daddy!
Dad: F*ck you, say daddy!
Baby: F*ck you, Mommy!
Mom: Honey, I’m home!
Baby: F*ck you!
Mom: Who taught you that?
Dad: Son of a b*tch.
- Rate kickass only this if your name isn’t Steve.
- Cop: “Did you kill this man?”
Me: “No, a bullet killed him. Bullets are made of lead, which comes from the ground. The ground is part of nature. He died of natural causes. Case closed.”
- When people go underwater in scary movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived that situation.
I almost died in Finding Nemo.
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- I was coming back from Canada, driving through Customs, and the guy asked, “Do you have any firearms with you?” I said: “What do you need?” (Steven Wright)
- Last time I was down South, I was in a restaurant and ordered some chicken, and these three cousins, you know the ones I mean, Klu, Kluck and Klan, come up and say “Boy, we’re givin’ you fair warnin’. Anything you do to that chicken, we’re gonna do to you.” So I put down my knife and fork, and I picked up that chicken, and I kissed it.
- Jack Benny is walking down the street, when a stick-up man pulls out a gun and says “Your money or your life!” An extremely long silence follows. “Your money or your life!” the thug repeats. Finally Benny says “I’m thinking!”
- I failed my driver’s test. The guy asked me “what do you do at a red light?” I said, I don’t know… look around, listen to the radio…
- I feel sorry for people who don’t drink or do drugs. Because someday they’re going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won’t know why.
- I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.
- I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.
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- At a White House party, a woman approached Calvin Coolidge, famed for his silence, and said “Mr. President, I made a bet I can get more than two words out of you.” He replied: “You lose.”
- I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it “Do not eat if seal is broken.” So I opened up the box, and sure enough..
- ‘A man walks into a chemist’s and says, “Can I have a bar of soap, please?” The chemist says, “Do you want it scented?” And the man says, “No, I’ll take it with me now”.’
- ‘I always take my wife morning tea in my pajamas, but is she grateful? . . . No, she says she’d rather have it in a cup.’
- ‘Do you know how many middle-aged men go out for a pint of milk and never come home? Not enough.’
- ‘I wish people would stop making fun of fat people – they have enough sh-t on their plates.’
- ‘What Iran needs now is a more modern leader – a mullah lite.’
- I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don’t want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, “What was that?!”
- I know a guy who called up the Home Shopping Network. They said “Can I help you?” and he said “No, I’m just looking.”
- A guy asks a lawyer what his fee is. “I charge $50 for three questions,” the lawyer says. “That’s awfully steep, isn’t it?” the guy asks. “Yes,” the lawyer replies, “Now what’s your final question?”
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- After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes.. He said, “No hablo ingles.”
- An old woman is upset at her husband’s funeral. “You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit” The mortician says “We’ll take care of it, ma’am” and yells back, “Ed, switch the heads on two and four!”
- Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot. (Ellen Degeneres)
- A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can’t be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. “I promised not to tell!” he says. “Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher’s daughter?” the preist asks. “No, and I said I wouldn’t tell.” “Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer’s daughter?” “No, and I still won’t tell!” ‘Was it Mary Francis, the baker’s daughter?” “No,” says the boy. ‘Well, son,” says the priest, “I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months.” Outside, the boy’s friends ask what happened. “Well,” he says, “I got six months, but three good leads.”
- I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out. (Rodney Dangerfield)
- There’s always one of my uncles who watches a boxing match with me and says “Sure. Ten million dollars. You know, for that kind of money, I’d fight him.” As if someone is going to pay $200 a ticket to see a 57-year-old carpet salesman get hit in the face once and cry.
- I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
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- When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
- The only thing I know about Africa is that it’s far, far away. About a thirty-five hour flight. The boat ride’s so long, there are still slaves on their way here
- I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive.
- I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?” She said. “No. I hate myself now.”
- Two snowmen are standing in a meadow. One snowman turns to the other and says, “Do you smell carrots?”
- A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. “There must be some mistake,” the lawyer argues. “I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five.” “Fifty five?” says Saint Peter. “No, according to out calculations, you’re eighty two.” “How’s you get that?” the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: “We added up your time sheets.”
- A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, “Doc, my brother’s crazy, he thinks he’s a chicken.” The doctor says, “Why don’t you turn him in?” The guy says, “We would. But we need the eggs.”
- ‘The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I’ll never be as good as a wall.’
- ‘If something about the human body disgusts you, the fault lies with the manufacturer.’
- ‘You know, it’s a sad day when your child looks at you and asks: “Daddy, is this organic?” “Organic? I grew up on Angel Delight! We didn’t have anything in the house if it wasn’t neon!”
- ‘I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered ‘French Toast during the Renaissance’.
- ‘Bob Geldof . . . no wonder he’s such an expert on famine, he has been dining out on I Don’t Like Mondays for thirty years.’
Facebook Funny Jokes for boy friend
Facebook Funny Pics
- I’A man walks into a chemist’s and says, “Can I have a bar of soap, please?” The chemist says, “Do you want it scented?” And the man says, “No, I’ll take it with me now”.’
- ‘I always take my wife morning tea in my pajamas, but is she grateful? . . . No, she says she’d rather have it in a cup.’
- ‘Do you know how many middle-aged men go out for a pint of milk and never come home? Not enough.’
- ‘I wish people would stop making fun of fat people – they have enough sh-t on their plates.’
- ‘What Iran needs now is a more modern leader – a mullah lite.’The guy who shot Robert Kennedy, Sirhan Sirhan, goes up for parole every year. Once he even told the parole board that if Kennedy was alive today, he would speak in his favor and say let him go. What a tough break, you know? The one guy who would have supported him, and he shot him.
- I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for member.
- A guy with a huge orange head goes in to see a doctor. The doctor says, “How did you get such a huge orange head?” The guy says, “Well, one day I was walking down the beach when I tripped over an old lantern. A genie came out and said, I’ll grant you three wishes, whatever you desire…what is your first wish?’ I said, I’d like all the money I could ever spend.’ The genie went Poof!’, and there it was, all the money I could ever spend. Then he said, What is your second wish?’ I said, I’d like a beautiful woman to love me, someone I could enjoy this money with.’ The genie went Poof!’, and there she was, a gorgeous girl who immediately loved me. Then the genie said, And what is your third wish?’…and I think this is where I went wrong…I said, I’d like a huge orange head.'”
Facebook Funny Jokes for girl friend
Whatsapp Funny Pics
- Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
- If this is coffee, please bring me some tea. If this is tea, please bring me some coffee.
- I went to my doctor and told him “my penis is burning.” He said, “That means somebody is talking about it.”
- New York now leads the world’s great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn’t make a sudden move.
- I was born a suspect. I can walk down any street in America and women will clutch their purses tighter, hold onto their Mace, lock their car doors. If I look up into the windows of the apartments I pass I can see old ladies on the phone. They’ve already dialed 9-1- and are just waiting for me to do something wrong.
- Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.
- At the airport they asked me if anybody I didn’t know gave me anything. Even the people I know don’t give me anything. (George Wallace)
- I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for thirty six hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for thirty-six hours.
- Mario Andretti has retired from race car driving. That’s a good thing. He’s getting old. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on.
- Three comedians are shooting the breeze at the back of a nightclub after a late gig. They’ve heard one another’s material so much, they’ve reached the point where they don’t need to say the jokes anymore to amuse each other – they just need to refer to each joke by a number. “Number 37!” cracks the first comic, and the others break up. “”Number 53!” says the second guy, and they howl. Finally, it’s the third comic’s turn. “44!” he quips. He gets nothing. Crickets. “What?” he asks, “Isn’t 44 funny?” “Sure, it’s usually hilarious,” they answer. “But the way you tell it…”
Whatsapp Funny Quotes
- Something To Do When You’re Bored:
1. Catch a fly.
2. Put it in the freezer.
3. Wait 10 minutes.
4. Take out the fly, it will be unconcious, not dead.
5. Pull out a strand of hair or a thin piece of string.
6. Tie it around the fly.
7. Wait till it wakes up.
BAM! Your very own pet fly
- Two ministers doing missionary work in the South Seas are captured by a tribe and tied to stakes. The chief says to them, “You have a choice – death, or ugga bugga.” The first guy says, “Well, I guess ugga bugga.” The chief shouts “UGGA BUGGA!” and 30 members of the tribe attack and sodomize the first missionary. The chief then asks the second minister, “Now you have a choice, death or ugga bugga.” He says “well, my religion does not allow me to choose ugga bugga, so I suppose it must be death.” The chief says, “Very well,” and shouts “DEATH. But first, UGGA BUGGA!
- 561 ratings
My grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don’t mind him reading lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters.
Whatsapp Funny Sms
- A guy has a parrot that can sing and speak beautifully. He takes it to the synagogue on Rosh Hashonah and makes a wager that the bird can conduct the High Holiday service better than the temple’s cantor. When the big moment comes, though, the parrot is silent. The guy is outraged. He takes the bird home and is about to kill it when the bird finally speaks: “Schmuck! Think of the odds we’ll get on Yom Kippur!”
- I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. (W.C. Fields)
- A car hits a Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says, “Are you comfortable?” The guy says: “I make a good living.”
- A comedian is sitting at the bar of a comedy club late one night when a beautiuful woman comes up to him and says “I saw you perform tonight, and you’re the funniest guy I’ve ever seen. I want to take you home and give you the hottest night of sex you’re ever had.” The comedian looks at her and says, “Did you see the first show or the second show?”
- Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they’d say “Thank you.” That graduated into “Have a nice day.” That’s now escalated into “You care care of yourself, now.” The other day I paid my check – the waiter said, “Don’t put off that mammogram.”
- Animals may be our friends. But they won’t pick you up at the airport.
- We had a depression fair in the back yard. A major game there was Pin the Blame on the Donkey.
- I worked some gigs in the Deep South…Alabama…You talk about Darwin’s waiting room. There are guys in Alabama who are their own father.
Facebook Funny Quotes
- I was thrown out of NYU. On my metaphysics final, they caught me cheating. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
- Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson, and in the middle of dinner he turned to me and said “Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?”
- Last year, I deducted 10,697 cartons of cigarettes as a business expense. The tax man said, “Don’t ever let us catch you without a cigarette in your hand.”
- If I ever have twins, I’d use one for parts.
- Two old actors are sitting on a bench. One says: “How long has it been since you had a job?” The other actor says “Thirty two years — how about you?” The first actor says, “That’s nothing. I haven’t had a job in forty years!” The other says, “One of these days we’ve got to get out of this business!”
- Teacher: “Anyone who thinks he’s stupid may stand up!”
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: “Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!”
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: “Ohh, Johnny you think you’re stupid?”
Little Johnny: “No… i just feel bad that you’re standing alone…”
Facebook Funny Sms
- Add a word to ruin a movie:
– Batman Begins College
– The Longest Yard Sale
– Charlottes Web Cam.
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- Funny Joke
When I see lovers’ names carved in a tree, I don’t think its cute. I just think it’s crazy how many people bring knives on a date.
- 20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please dont let Kevin Bacon die!
- It’s funny how after an argument is over, you start to think about more clever shit you could have said.
- A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?” The husband says, “What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?” A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, the car won’t start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?” He says: “What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?” Another few days go by, and it’s raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, “Honey, there’s a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?” He says, “What do I look like, Bob Vila?” The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. “Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them,” she says. “Great! How much is that going to cost me?” he snarls. Wife says: “Nothing. He said he’d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him.” “Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?” asks the husband. “What do I look like,” she says, “Betty Crocker?”
Funny Facebook Jokes
- Funny Joke
Husband (watching a video):
Don’t do it! I swear you gonna regret it for the rest of your life. You stupid idiot! Don’t say yes. No! No! NOOO!! Aw dang, he actually did it! What a dumb ass!
Wife: Honey, why you so mad? What’aya watching?
Husband: Our wedding ceremony.
- Funny Joke
Funny ways to answer the phone
1) Johns white house,you got the dough, we got the hoe
2) Hello Immigration service, you report em’ we deport em
3) Jim’s abortion clinic you rape em we scrape em
4) Westroad sperm bank, you squeeze it we freeze it
5) Sawyers sperm bank you jack it we back it
6) …Read More
- Two old ladies are in a restaurant. One complains, “You know, the food here is just terrible.” The other shakes her head and adds, “And such small portions.”
- Contrary to what most people would say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It’s a shark riding on an elephant’s back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
Funny Facebook Messages
- I had a cab driver in Paris. The man smelled like a guy eating cheese while getting a permanent inside the septic tank of a slaughterhouse.
- In football you wear a helmet; in baseball you wear a cap. Football is concerned with downs; baseball is concerned with ups. In football you receive a penalty; in baseball you make an error. In football the specialist comes in to kick; in baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody.
- I believe Dr. Kevorkian is onto something. I think he’s great. Because suicide is our way of saying to God, “You can’t fire me. I quit.”
- L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.
- “I don’t want any publicity – you get too many begging letters. If they’re anything like the ones I send out I don’t want to know!”
Funny Facebook Sms
- Oliver Hardy: ‘Didn’t you once tell me that you had an uncle?’
Stan Laurel: ‘Sure, I’ve got an uncle. Why?’
Oliver: ‘Now we’re getting somewhere. Is he living?’
Stanley: ‘No. He fell through a trap door and broke his neck.’
Oliver: ‘Was he building a house?’
Stanley: ‘No, they were hanging him.’
- ‘My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we don’t know where the hell she is.’
- ‘His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.’
‘I like to play chess with bald men in the park, although it’s hard to find 32 of them.’
- ‘One-armed butlers – they can take it but they can’t dish it out.’
- “Posh hotels have a turn-down service. I had never heard of this and there was a knock at the door and a woman said, ‘I’ve come to turn down your bed.’ To which I said, ‘Well many women have in the past. Why should you be any different?’”
Funny Whatsapp Jokes
- ‘A sewage farm. In what way is it a farm? Is there a farm shop?’
- It’s Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. “No” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?” The neighbor says, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven’t been to together since we got married.” “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible… But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?” The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”
- You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he’s a catholic converter.
- I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags, he’s bisatchel.
- Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.
- ‘I said to this train driver “I want to go to Paris”. He said “Eurostar?” I said, “I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin”.
Best Funny Jokes for Whatsapp Facebook in English
Funny Whatsapp Messages
- ‘My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife’ll look at me and go, “Who’s that calling at this time?’ “I don’t know! If I knew that we wouldn’t need the bloody phone!” ‘
- A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster
I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said “may contain nuts.” Well, YES! That’s what I bought the buggers for! You’d be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!”‘
- Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. “I can’t leave,” the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.” The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?” the victim asks. “He says you’re gonna die.”
- ‘I was not a particularly small child. I was the one who always got picked to play Bethlehem in the school nativity.’
- ‘I thought I’d begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.
Funny Whatsapp Sms
- ‘Two cannibals were eating a clown – one said to the other, ‘Does he taste funny to you?’
- The wife’s mother said: ‘When you’re dead, I’ll dance on your grave.’
I said: ‘Good. I’m being buried at sea.’
- ‘Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.’
- ‘My friend keeps telling me I’m in the closet . . . I just say it’s Narnia business!’
- ‘I was in love with a beautiful blonde once, dear. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m so indebted to her for.’
- ‘A few decades ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don’t let Kevin Bacon die.’
- ‘My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners!’
- ‘God gave men a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.’
- ‘Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.’
- ‘The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
- ‘My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.’
- ‘Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.’
- Sir Bedevere: ‘Now, why do witches burn?’
Peasant: ‘…because they’re made of… wood?’
Sir Bedevere: ‘Good. So how do you tell whether she is made of wood?’
Peasant 2: ‘Build a bridge out of her.’
- ‘When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.’
- ‘First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.’
- ‘You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.’
- ‘Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.’
- ‘She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn’t help wondering from what direction.’
- ‘I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, ‘My dad can beat up your dad.’ I’d say ‘Yeah? When?’
- ‘A big girl came up to me after a show and said, “I think you’re fatist.” I said, “No, no. I think you’re fattest.”‘
- ‘Two elderly women are at a Catskill restaurant. One of them says, “Boy, the food at this place is just terrible.” The other one says, “Yeah I know. And such small portions.”
- ‘I just need to make it to 34 and I’ve beaten Jesus at living.’
- ‘A man on the train said: “That seat is reserved.” I said: “Well, it’s been very forward with me.” Pulled up my pants and went on my way.’
- ‘I’ve done a bit of Latin in my time . . . but I can control it.’
- I said to my father: “Dad, I want to get married.”
He said: “Alright son, who do you want to marry?”
I said: “I’d like to marry Miss Green”.
He said: “You can’t”.
I said: “Why not?”
He said: “She’s your half-sister. When I was a lad I had a bike and I got around a bit.”
I said: “Alright, I’ll marry Miss White.”
He said: “You can’t, she’s your half-sister. Forget about it.”
Well, I was a bit despondent and I walked around and my mum said to me: “What’s wrong with you?”
I said: “Well, I said to Dad I wanted to marry Miss Green and he said I couldn’t because she’s my half-sister. I said, “All right, I’ll marry Miss White.” He said: ‘You can’t, she’s your half-sister.”
She said: “Look, you go and marry which one you like. He’s not your father anyway!”
- ‘My Dad used to say “always fight fire with fire”, which is probably why he got thrown out of the the fire brigade.’
- ‘Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough.
- ‘A man doesn’t know what hapiness is until he’s married. By then it’s too late.
- ‘You know, I go to the theatre to be entertained… I don’t want to see plays about rape, sodomy and drug addiction… I can get all that at home.’